Communicating with Teenagers

Q:  I have a 15-year-old daughter and find that much of our time together is spent arguing. I can't seem to get her to understand the points I try to make. No matter what the issue, we seem to find ourselves on opposite sides. I care deeply about her and would welcome any suggestions on how to improve my ability to communicate with her.

A:  You say "potato" and I say...

I also recall Mark Twain's quote "When I was 14, I thought my father was a complete idiot and by the age of 21 stood amazed at how much he had learned in those seven years."

This is a challenging time for parents and teens. There is so much information we as parents want to impart, and then find it difficult to reconcile ourselves with the apparent fact that either our children already know everything we are trying to tell them or that we are completely wrong about everything we are telling them.

There are several suggestions that may help. First and foremost, do not withdraw because you can't seem to "win" any of these arguments. Your goal should be to love and communicate, not to achieve victory in battle. Your children are listening to what you are saying, but simply because of their age may not parrot the information back to you in what you have determined to be an acceptable format.

Give them time to respond and listen carefully to what they say, even repeating their comments back to them as accurately as you can. If what they have said is truly ridiculous, hearing you say it may drive the point home.

Make sure you have "noncontroversial" time together. Go to a movie, take them out to dinner or to an activity you know they will enjoy and resolve to avoid the temptation to use one-on-one time to drive home a particular point.

Teens desperately need the love and unqualified acceptance of their parents as a tremendous means of support and confidence in a society that demands so much of them and offers little, if anything, in return. The time we have at this age is valuable and runs out far too quickly to spend it arguing.

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